Yesterday I mentioned something offhand to a friend. A thing that has been on my heart and mind but that I didn't realize was on my heart and mind until I said it out loud. Sometimes that happens, right?
I moved about a month ago. Big life changes. One of them: work changes. I'm returning to a world of freelance work after being away for years. And this is taking courage.
I've always been a go-with-the-flow type. I like to move through life following my passions and staying open to what life has for me. This has meant going down roads I never saw myself going down. Working jobs I never planned on working.
For the most part, this has been good--great even. I've experienced so much, learned so much, met so many people. My worldview is definitely better for it. And yet there's been pitfalls, struggles.
Fuck it: there's been massive heartbreaks.
And right now I'm dipping my toe back into those waters. I'm returning to a world where I've been burned, a world that's been toxic for me. And yet, a world I feel called to. So I'm excited to be there and I'm encountering fear in places I haven't encountered fear before.
I guess it's like a bad break up.
You know, the break up that uproots your life, that's so hard to bounce back from. It takes so much more courage the next go round to do the things you did before with ease because you've been hurt. How frustrating is that?
People are like, "just let it go, let the pain go." Um, what? This never made sense to me until I heard Thich Nhat Hanh explain it. He likens letting go to a "cutting off". Letting go is so nebulous, isn't it? But cutting off--that's visceral. It honors the pain. It honors the process and the courage it takes to set ourselves free from the things that hold us down.
Like, you need a big knife for that. You do.
My past experience was a painful one and it doesn't define my future. My past is a teacher that will help me move forward with new confidence and a new capacity to make better decisions and do better work.
And what doesn't serve me, well...KNIFE, PLEASE!